Mother or friend? I say, both.

Do you ever wonder if you're doing a good job as a parent?  It's pretty easy to beat yourself up when you're sure you have failed miserably.  I try not to think too hard about any of it or my blood pressure would rise.  You see, I didn't come from a perfect family.  I never thought my mother was a perfect mother but I knew she was a good one.  I never thought my dad was a perfect father but I knew he was a good one.  I knew they were good and they were always trying.  As a kid I'm sure I wasn't taking notes, I wasn't preparing for my future or how I'd do things in the future, based on how they'd done them.  I knew what I loved about them and I knew what things they did that annoyed me.  When I think I might be annoying my kids, I'm quick to defend myself.  I'll admit it, it bothers me if I think my kids don't always like me.

Sure I'm aware that more than one therapist would say, "You and your kids,...shouldn't be friends.  There's no time for friendship when you are the parent."  I hate that rule.  I define my job by totally new rules, and yes, friendship is a part of it.  Mom and friend.  I was 15 when my parent's were divorced.  I wasn't as angry about the divorce as I believe my sister was.  I was sad though.  Before my parents separated, I was parented by both my folks.  They scolded, they taught, they loved and they cared equally for me.  I would sit and hang out with my mother, I would sit and hang out with my father but I always felt like I was both of theirs.  When the dust settled after the divorce, I went with my mother.  My sister went with my dad.  It wasn't to get away from my dad, it was actually to get away from my sister, who had begun acting like my mother.  I didn't need two mothers, I only needed one, so I moved with my mother to get away from my sister. (who by the way, I love to no end now and have for years and years.  This was when my life changed.  I'm sure my sister was trying to help by caring for me.  Unfortunately, at the time, I didn't see that. Of course I didn't see that, I was 15 years old.) The thing was, at that point in time, it was just mom and me.  It was strange.  People seem to forget or fail to realize, that a broken family is just that, broken.  It never gets put back together either, not unless your folks decide to get back together.

I remember in high school my friends assumed I was like they were.  Going home, to a family, a house, where mom, dad and siblings resided.  Sure, I had that for years and years, I loved that, believe me, a family is a great thing to go home to.  Unfortunately that was not to be a permanent factor in my life.  When it all changed, when my mom would pick me up from school, she and I went home to an apartment.  We only had each other, that was it.  It could be very lonely, very sad, unsettling.  I tried to ignore it the best I could.  Talking to my mom about it only made her sad, so I just went on living as though how I was living was normal.  It wasn't.

The point is, we were mother/daughter, roommates and eventually, friends.  We talked about everything, we shared stories and kept each other informed about our well being.  We kept each other close and we cared about each other in a manner that was different than mother/daughter.  I liked that.  I liked that she wasn't always waiting to scold me as much as she was waiting to understand me.  She wasn't always lecturing as much as she was listening.  She wasn't waiting to snuff out the fun in my flame but rather encourage me to have friends, make friends, go out, engage with others in order to have good friends.  She looked deeper into my likes and dislikes so she could learn what made me the way I was.  Some days while sitting on the couch, we were talking as mom and daughter and other days, we were laughing and giggling like friends or working through struggles and stresses as friends. 

Every once in awhile I'll do something that my mom thinks is wonderful parenting.  She compliments me and makes me smile from ear to ear and I tell her, I am only a good mother because I learned everything I know from you.  If you hadn't been my friend and my mother, I wouldn't know how to be both for my kids.  They need both.  I needed both.  If you had only scolded, lectured and corrected, I may have blocked you out and eventually pushed you away to gain distance but instead, I wanted your friendship.  All I've ever wanted, is for you to be a part of my life and in my life.  When I'm not perfect, I know that my kids don't need perfect, they need good enough. I'm good enough.  They need me to know they're good enough, they're not perfect.  I don't need perfect.  They need a mother who is loving, caring and helpful and a friend who listens, offers advice and really wants to know them for who they are.  Why they are who they are.  Maybe this isn't what's taught or even acceptable but I know first hand, it works.
S.