Let civility reign!

Civility ~ Let us consider this, before we speak or act.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Mother or friend? I say, both.

Do you ever wonder if you're doing a good job as a parent?  It's pretty easy to beat yourself up when you're sure you have failed miserably.  I try not to think too hard about any of it or my blood pressure would rise.  You see, I didn't come from a perfect family.  I never thought my mother was a perfect mother but I knew she was a good one.  I never thought my dad was a perfect father but I knew he was a good one.  I knew they were good and they were always trying.  As a kid I'm sure I wasn't taking notes, I wasn't preparing for my future or how I'd do things in the future, based on how they'd done them.  I knew what I loved about them and I knew what things they did that annoyed me.  When I think I might be annoying my kids, I'm quick to defend myself.  I'll admit it, it bothers me if I think my kids don't always like me.

Sure I'm aware that more than one therapist would say, "You and your kids,...shouldn't be friends.  There's no time for friendship when you are the parent."  I hate that rule.  I define my job by totally new rules, and yes, friendship is a part of it.  Mom and friend.  I was 15 when my parent's were divorced.  I wasn't as angry about the divorce as I believe my sister was.  I was sad though.  Before my parents separated, I was parented by both my folks.  They scolded, they taught, they loved and they cared equally for me.  I would sit and hang out with my mother, I would sit and hang out with my father but I always felt like I was both of theirs.  When the dust settled after the divorce, I went with my mother.  My sister went with my dad.  It wasn't to get away from my dad, it was actually to get away from my sister, who had begun acting like my mother.  I didn't need two mothers, I only needed one, so I moved with my mother to get away from my sister. (who by the way, I love to no end now and have for years and years.  This was when my life changed.  I'm sure my sister was trying to help by caring for me.  Unfortunately, at the time, I didn't see that. Of course I didn't see that, I was 15 years old.) The thing was, at that point in time, it was just mom and me.  It was strange.  People seem to forget or fail to realize, that a broken family is just that, broken.  It never gets put back together either, not unless your folks decide to get back together.

I remember in high school my friends assumed I was like they were.  Going home, to a family, a house, where mom, dad and siblings resided.  Sure, I had that for years and years, I loved that, believe me, a family is a great thing to go home to.  Unfortunately that was not to be a permanent factor in my life.  When it all changed, when my mom would pick me up from school, she and I went home to an apartment.  We only had each other, that was it.  It could be very lonely, very sad, unsettling.  I tried to ignore it the best I could.  Talking to my mom about it only made her sad, so I just went on living as though how I was living was normal.  It wasn't.

The point is, we were mother/daughter, roommates and eventually, friends.  We talked about everything, we shared stories and kept each other informed about our well being.  We kept each other close and we cared about each other in a manner that was different than mother/daughter.  I liked that.  I liked that she wasn't always waiting to scold me as much as she was waiting to understand me.  She wasn't always lecturing as much as she was listening.  She wasn't waiting to snuff out the fun in my flame but rather encourage me to have friends, make friends, go out, engage with others in order to have good friends.  She looked deeper into my likes and dislikes so she could learn what made me the way I was.  Some days while sitting on the couch, we were talking as mom and daughter and other days, we were laughing and giggling like friends or working through struggles and stresses as friends. 

Every once in awhile I'll do something that my mom thinks is wonderful parenting.  She compliments me and makes me smile from ear to ear and I tell her, I am only a good mother because I learned everything I know from you.  If you hadn't been my friend and my mother, I wouldn't know how to be both for my kids.  They need both.  I needed both.  If you had only scolded, lectured and corrected, I may have blocked you out and eventually pushed you away to gain distance but instead, I wanted your friendship.  All I've ever wanted, is for you to be a part of my life and in my life.  When I'm not perfect, I know that my kids don't need perfect, they need good enough. I'm good enough.  They need me to know they're good enough, they're not perfect.  I don't need perfect.  They need a mother who is loving, caring and helpful and a friend who listens, offers advice and really wants to know them for who they are.  Why they are who they are.  Maybe this isn't what's taught or even acceptable but I know first hand, it works.
S.

 

8 comments:

  1. Hello Sarah,

    We were so sorry to hear about your Father's passing. Even though we get the Ferris bulletin, it gets lost in the junk mail, so we must have missed it.

    Ted discovered it quite by accident. He was looking up some families who lived in Flint in the 1922 Flint City Directory on Google Books, and found a name identical to your Father's. But the link to the your Father's Obituary also came up upon searching to see if that was that was his Grandfather.

    Ted first met you with your Father and Mother in front of the house next to the Lutheran Church and Cemetery in Big Rapids in 1977. Ted's Mother worked with your Grandfather in Plant 4 at Chevrolet Flint Manufacturing. Ted's Mother had seen the picture, on the front page of the Flint Journal, of your family coming out of Easter Services at First Presbyterian (as I recall) in Flint in around 1977.

    Ted and Cindy were in your Father's Anatomy Class and several other classes he taught when we were at Ferris/MCO. Ted and Cindy met in Big Rapids at MCO, and were Lab partners in his class. Dr. Jack Buss was the other Professor.

    Ted has a good memory and some good Internet sleuthing skills, and found your wonderful blog. Cindy will find particular comfort in your posts about your Father's passing, as she lost her father to Cancer in 2012. Our friend from MCO who is spending the weekend with us should also find comfort in it, as her Father also passed this year.

    Sorry again to hear this news.

    Drs. Ted and Cindy Hammond

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi. Thank you so much for writing. I'm glad you found me. Yes, my dad passed in March. The 2nd. I was with him as were my sister and step sister. It was terrible to see him go in hospice. I miss him a lot. He meant the whole world to me.
    thanks again.
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've been an avid map collector and reader since I was very young. I asked for a Map of Flint for a Birthday or Christmas one year. I knew all the streets in Flint and surrounding area, including Colladay Court. I vaguely remember now asking your Father if it was any relation, and I think he mentioned his Grandfather being a General and having it named for him. I posted the link to the Google Map Street View image of 853 East 8th St. on the 2014 post I found about the General.

    Dr. Ted Hammond

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Ted, Thank you. I was able to see it. I can't recall but possibly my grandparent's house was torn down at some point and this is a different home. Since my dad isn't here to ask I'll see what my sister Laura knows. Thank you though. You are very kind. Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jack Colladay’s Workplace

    I may have met Jack Colladay at some point, but I don’t remember specifically when or where. He worked in a department close to the Chevrolet Flint Manufacturing, Motor Division, Master Mechanics Department where my Mother, Iris Hammond, worked as a Secretary to the General Superintendent. It was on the Second Floor of Plant 4, where General Motors was born in the early 1900s. You went down a long hall, through a double door, and down a few steps to get to the office where Jack Colladay worked.

    I worked one Summer, between my years at Ferris, in that office where he worked, in 1979. Jack had already retired, quite recently at the time. I can’t remember the name of the office department name, but it was something like Plant Stores. There were large warehousing areas for parts used in the manufacturing processes and machinery for Automobile Engines and Engine Parts. Jack was the head of that department when he retired. They ordered those parts, warehoused them, and delivered them to the proper areas in the various Plants. Plants 2, 4, 5, and 9 were the Motor Division Plants involved in sending parts when and where they were needed for replacement or restocking.

    The Summer I worked there, my job was to take the requisition record hard cards and prepare the information to be entered into the new computerized system for automatic reordering of all items and parts. Each card had the signature of the department supervisor who had ordered it, each time it was ordered. Many of the cards were signed by Jack Colladay. Jack had a very neat signature, almost like Calligraphy. As I recall, Dr. Tom Colladay also had a very neat signature similar to Jack’s. Their signatures were much neater than the Engineers in the Master Mechanics Department.

    The Department Jack was in was probably not unlike the system of logistics and requisitioning parts and items used in the Military from the time when General Tom Colladay was there until computers took over. From one of the entries in the Flint City Directory, I suspect that General Tom may have worked in Flint, perhaps at GM, in such a capacity before entering the military and World War I, referred in the entry as “Clerk” or “clk”. That type of experience may have been useful at Camp Grayling.

    I just thought I would give you this information as I recalled it, as it may fit in to the History you may already know.

    Dr. Ted Hammond

    ReplyDelete
  6. From the information I found, the house at 853 East 8th St. was built in 1918, during World War I. Perhaps it was extensively renovated, but it looks to me like the houses built in that era, that I used to walk by in Elementary School in the 1950s and 1960s.

    The last I knew, from a Flint Phone Book I keep for Historical Reference, the house Jack lived in in Flint before he moved out was at 518 Chandler.

    I did find a view from Avon St. of the 853 E.8th St. house that looked very different, on Zillow or Trulia or a similar site. I will try to find a way to link it if I can find it again. When I saw it, I thought it was a different house. I can't find an address that will bring it up, but I will keep trying when I get a chance.

    Dr. Ted Hammond

    ReplyDelete
  7. Here is a side view of 853 East 8th St. from Trulia. Link only.

    http://www.trulia.com/homes/Michigan/Flint/sold/819355-853-E-8th-St-Flint-MI-48503

    ReplyDelete
  8. I found this excerpt on Google Books after pondering a picture of Chevrolet Flint Manufacturing posted today on a Flint Blog. It refers to Murphy not choosing Col. Thomas Colladay to lead National Guard Troops because of his ties to GM. I assume it had something to do with the Sit Down Strike from the context.

    https://books.google.com/books?id=0TkupxD2njcC&pg=PA393&lpg=PA393&dq=thomas+colladay+flint&source=bl&ots=a6ABZMDq07&sig=uCdfp69RCH9eCeklR3t_8K8ofYs&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjVv5n69ovKAhUC7R4KHaLRAuQQ6AEIHjAB#v=onepage&q=thomas%20colladay%20flint&f=false

    ReplyDelete