I believe little insights provided by others can help someone in need. My children will ask me questions about divorce and it is a word that physically makes me cringe. As a grown up, I find divorce much easier to understand. However, when I was a kid going through the experience, it was confusing and sad. Even now, when I hear a child say, "My parent's are getting divorced." My heart physically hurts and I wish more than anything I could help in some small way. Understanding and accepting divorce is hard. Believe me I know, first hand. When my children have come home from school and tell me, someone in their class' parent's are getting divorced and they have questions, here is a little bit of what I tell them, I might say.
"It has nothing to do with you. I know you think it does. Of course you think it does. Your parent's are getting divorced. You think, 'I'm a part of the family, therefore, I'm a part of the divorce.' You are a part of the family but you are an innocent soul watching this happen. The divorce is between your parent's. You are a part of the family and unfortunately this hurts for everyone."
"You will be okay. You will! I know you may not think so right now, but the passing of time does heal. Even though you feel sad, happy days will come and go and smiles will be shared by all, including your mom and dad."
"Your parent's need your love. Love is so very powerful and healthy. One healing gift you can give to yourself and your mom and dad, is love."
"I know you are wondering, "Why did this happen to My parent's?" The thing is, people are unique, and our uniqueness can either bring us closer and closer together or push us farther and farther apart. Not instantly, not initially but eventually. Your parent's didn't know. They didn't plan it and if they could have avoided it, I believe they would have. You must try to remember, life is about being happy and if your parent's aren't happy, then there is a good chance their sadness, will pass on from them to you. They don't want to make you sad, they don't want to make each other sad, so deciding to be apart, is sometimes the only thing they can do."
"I'll bet you are wondering if there is anything you can do to keep them together? I don't like telling you this but the truth is, probably not. Wishful thinking and optimism are not necessarily something you should completely throw out the window but your parent's are planning on moving forward with their lives. They expect you to move forward with them. They expect you to find new joys in your life as they find new joys. Trying to figure out if you can bring them back together is a hopeful thought but will probably bring more dissapointment in the end."
"Don't be afraid to talk to your parent's about how you are feeling. Holding everything inside is hard on your body, your mind and your soul. Remember, you are a person who has things to say, so say them. If you are frustrated, tell them so and explain why. If you are sad, tell them and ask for answers so you can better understand. Ask for hugs, because you are never too old for love. What if you're mad? Yes, even if you're mad. Tell them how you feel. You don't have to like this situation but it will be easier for you, if you understand it."
* A personal note- When I watched my parent's go through their divorce, I remember thinking about the future a lot. I wondered about everything. Who would I live with? How could I ever possibly live without the other parent? Where would I live? I know I was sad but it is so important to remember to be true to you. No one can make you feel sad, or decide if you are okay with this situation or not. Only YOU can decide if you are going to be okay. It is your decision if you are going to be happy or sad. The choice is yours. It is a decision that YOU have to make because you are in charge of you. I chose to take the ride with a good attitude and see where it would lead. This was my choice. You'll find a lot of times it is as though, you are watching a movie. You don't know what will happen in the middle of the movie, or at the end of the movie. You only know the beginning of the movie because that is where you started, that is where you are now. As time passes, you will experience new things as you travel through the stages of the movie. The divorce will bring new things into your life. Some of those things you will like, some of those things you won't like, but it's okay. You don't have to like everything. You do however, have to accept things that you do not like and make the best of them. This is life. This is the part of life people don't like, but nonetheless, it is life and life isn't fair. This is the sad truth. However, remember a good attitude will help you accept it.
Find your own way to flow peacefully within the movie that is in progress. The movie called, "Divorce." It will be easier for you, if you go with the flow.
More thoughts to come.
S.
That’s true; divorce is one thing that’s difficult to explain to children. It’s very complicated and sensitive ,that they might just end up even more confused if not done properly. So it’s a must that one have to make their explanation simple for them to understand. And it’s good to start it with ‘it’s not their fault’, so you can get that thought out of the way right on the onset. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteTimmy Larson @ McMichen,Cinami & Demps