Surviving with discomfort

 I guess it had to happen eventually didn’t it. Age sneaks up on us doesn’t it. I’m nearly 50 now. I must say, I’m grateful to have lived this long. What a blessing. I often reflect on my life. I’ve had ups and downs, strides and setbacks, happy and sad days have passed by me, but isn’t that true of us all? 

As of late I’ve had to push through the side affects that come on with menopause. I’d read up on menopause in the past, curious about what things I was in store for, what I’d be one day dealing with. To be honest, some of it was scary. I thought, gee, I hope that doesn’t happen to me but unfortunately some of it has. I believe I’ve almost made it from beginning to end at 49. The worst of it has been the heat flashes. I guess all women have a touch of these heat flashes, mine however can be intense and more than one an hour for days with no break. Sometimes I wanna cry over it, sometimes I do. I’ve also been struggling with my memory. I my memory issues could be related to this thing called menopause as well as the fogginess that I experience but this too has become concerning. More than concerning, but irritating and self esteem crushing. In my mind, I tend to evaluate myself negatively. I sometimes feel that my struggles are unrealized, therefore I just come across as an idiot. This is all so tiring and sad. I’m not saying that I can’t push through and survive, I don’t know that I have a choice, therefore I will, I must. 

I know I’ve never wanted to be alone. I’ve tried to keep solitude away. I guess at 49 I understand that we all must face the fact that we come in to this world alone and we leave this world alone so if we struggle with things all alone in our walk from the arrival to the departure, one has to dig down deep to find that strength to make it. I’d be a fool to let you think I move through my days riding on my own strength. I don’t. I rely on my faith to accompany me and walk through my days beside me. I often tell The Lord in my prayers that I can’t do anything without Him by my side. This is my one, consistent support system. How I could go on my own would be a real trial. I don’t plan to try it. 

I often lean on those I’ve lost. I hope when I call on them, they are also by my side. I have rolled the memories of my life around and around always wondering if I’m learning the lessons of life that God wants to teach me. I hope I am. I hope I haven’t been avoiding the lessons because they’re painful. 

I know that since I lost my dog Missy, I’ve often thought about the bridge she created between my dad and me. I know I felt that he couldn’t be too far away as long as I had his Missy. I know when I let her go, I’d called on my dad to let him know she was coming. I know he was there, and excited to be with this little girl again. I told him, I loved her as much as he did. Maybe more. Giving her back to him was so heartbreaking because I knew I’d be handing him back the connector that kept him close. I guess I lost my dad all over again. I remember telling my sister that Missy was gone. She told me days later that our father’s death was recreated for her as it was for me. We both watched our dad pass in Hospice care. We took Missy from his side. She clung close to him those many days as if held to him by velcro. Missy was our tangible link. 

I think with the hormonal unstableness of menopause I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster that has new features, new highs, new lows, new twists and turns, swoops and swishes, curves and drops. 

While I don’t know when these side affects will go away or lesson, I’ll pray everyday, every night, every morning, that The Lord keeps me from feeling lonely. I’ll pray that God walks with me always. 

For those of you going through this same struggle, similar struggle or different struggle but related to the same ailment, I will entrust you to The Lord for his strength. Don’t go it alone. 

Blessings to those who read what I write. 💗

A Childhood Memory I

 I have a pretty good memory. I often think back to my childhood years with a smile. They say you make hardwired memories when you focus on the scenario at hand. I don’t know if kids in general lock into a lot of scenarios or if I purposely did that? Either way, I’m very grateful for my memories. 

Let me start by saying, I was born in the same town I was raised in. My youngest memories all start in the home where I lived from birth to 15. Had my parents not divorced I would have many additional years of memories there, memories my older sister had the privilege of enjoying. 

You may be stopping to ponder the privilege I spoke of when I couple that with divorce (?)  Well, as strange as this may sound, my parents were happy most of the time and excellent parents at that. Just saying that puts my mind into full on remembrance mode because all the family fun just came rushing back  

As a child my parents were anything but boring. No no, they were active people and we in-turn, were active kids. 

As a family we loved to go for bike rides. 🚲 and 

from what I’m told, we tent camped together. ⛺️ That, I was too little to remember but I do remember our pop-up camping trips and our travel trailer trips too. Many campfires, walks with our dogs Summer or Katie. We sailed ⛵️ together as a family, went 🎣 fishing together in our canoe 🛶. We went sledding together 🛷 down the hill behind our house known as Tidal Wave 🌊 We hiked, picked strawberries and blueberries. We went on church camp outs and worked in our garden together. Plus, my dad was always tinkering with stuff, making stuff for my sister and me. He loved to take us to a store called Whitmark :-) We often went out to dinner for Chinese food or Pizza Hut 🍕 for the original Pan-Pan. Or Ponderosa for steak and mushrooms 😊 of course that’s before my dad became a vegetarian 🤦‍♀️  and while we were young. He built us a tree house on stilts, a go-cart, and bought us fun toys constantly  He surprised us often with gifts and trips  He and my mom were so active!! So happy and so cute! Unless of course they were in an argument .... 

I always loved watching them play golf ⛳️ together. I loved watching them play tennis 🎾  against one another down at Hemlock Park or seeing them get all bundled up in their winter clothes and go for walks in the snow. 

I think this might be an on-going series for me, talking about a memory or two and putting it to paper or Blog 😆😊 One day, my memory may fail me. If it does, at least I’ll have these posts to refer to. Maybe my kids will enjoy revisiting my memories? Or maybe,.... possibly,.... grandkids would enjoy reading my memories? Who knows. If they interest you or intrigue you, stay tuned  😊 If not,... travel on with my best wishes. 🌹

Provoking positive thoughts...

While we sit in our dwellings and hold on tight to our loved ones, I went through some past Facebook posts I’ve shared. Sayings that are not my own but I love. I do not take any credit for them however I do find them uplifting and good reminders. Reminders of what’s important in life. Prayer, family, pets, and all the beauty that surrounds us. Outside of the pictures which state a thought, all other pictures are mine. 😊 I love color, 💚💛🧡💜💙❤️💗 all colors. I purposely take pictures where color is the attraction. I find color to be uplifting as well as encouraging of positive feelings. I’d like to challenge you to post pictures on whatever social media you use of colorful images. ☀️ ☂️🌈
Finally, take time out of your day and challenge yourself to think of happy memories. 😊 Music can really help in this regard. Music brings back memories. Focus on good memory music. Uplifting music.  Start with a single thought. For example, summer. ☀️ Think back and pull out a memory or as many memories as you can that took place in summer. Let them pop up in your mind like kernels of corn. “POP! POP! POP!” Let your mind have control and watch where it takes you. When you stop rolling through memories on a particular subject, start on another topic, like camping 🏕 or bike rides 🚲, or friends you hung out with from the past. 🎢🏡🏖🎡 Whatever the topic, pull one picture up to the front of your mind and see where it takes you. It’s a peaceful place to go. It can be funny, or silly, or quiet. It might evoke a smile or a giggle. It should always be joyful but if you find that it’s not, if your memories switch to something sad, then STOP! 🛑 And start over. Start again. 😊 
That’s it. 👍👏👏👏  That’s all I wanted to share. I’m thinking of you all during this hard time but I’m of course wishing you well, wishing you good health, peaceful moments and good reflections of fond memories. 💗

Imagining a different life.

Imagine a different life.
It's not that hard to do and you probably have too at one time or another.  It's been a year since we, my family and I moved away from the life we knew in northern Michigan.  One year. Hard to believe.  The discussion of moving came up a number of times but were always transferred to the back of our minds.  The thought of the work it would take to make such a move seemed impossible, there would be so many changes, too many changes.  The question of how to do it didn't last long once the decision was made.  No, the question was no longer, "how?" it was, "get it done!"  The steps began arranging themselves it seems to me now.  One by one we climbed each step with determination.  I have some fond memories of the transition.  Cleaning out and purging was probably the most refreshing thought that comes to mind.  Picking out new paint colors, new carpet, and deciding where the furniture would go in my new home still brings a smile to my face.  The natural light coming from the east and west streaming sunshine through my house all morning and afternoon is something I'm beyond grateful for.  Yes, memories from the transition are fond memories.  Trips to and from our home as we slowly carted our house car load by car load to the new life we imagined were full of conversation and hopeful possibility.  "Camping out" in our new home as painters and electricians moved about.  Watching my daughter find new joy and new friends while perfecting her love for cheer.  My son joining up with a new slew of hockey lovers and skating in a rink he'd always loved that contains family history.  The transition had many happy, unexpected happy moments.  Of course the flip side of that brings back the memories I have of our past life which make me contemplate the entire event.  If I let my mind run away with the scenario it can't comprehend how we could make such a move.  Up root our kids from all they'd ever known.  The love they had for their home and community.  How easy it was for us to up and leave.  If that were only true.  It's not.  It's where our memories reside as well.  At one time our little place in northern Michigan was completely new.  It too was a brand new adventure.  So much to explore, so much to see and experience and we did, we did it all til it became to much of the same.  The same, the same, the same.  Many would say there's peace in that.  There's a calming in knowing what happens as the months on the calendar flip by.  I'm not denying that.  In fact I think that's why it took us so long to make the move.  We knew what lied a head at any given moment.  We knew what to expect.  Of course some of what we had to expect revolved around cold, snowy, stuck inside winter months.  So I'm happy, we're happy and I believe we are all better from the move.  It doesn't change the fact that our life and memories with our children all began in that little town, in that little house on that perfect little street in northern Michigan.  It doesn't tarnish our memories it makes them even more precious.  Now when we travel back we appreciate the beauty more than we ever did before.  We soak up the sights and sounds and see it from an entirely new perspective.  We are grateful for the time we spent and we surely say, "Thank you" in our minds for all it gave to us. It gave us friendships and beauty.  It gave us moments of sheer joy and heartfelt moments we embrace.  It gave us a sense of community and reminded us family togetherness all started in that little place on the map of Michigan.

It's weird how our minds would love to sit in a state of loss or feel melancholy.  I try to redirect my mind when it wants to go back to moments in our home up north.  I think of happy moments and little toddlers playing on the floor in my living room surrounded by toys.  I flash back on friends and play dates and parties I threw.  I wonder how life drops people from your life not always with your permission.  I think back to my golden and my lab hanging out on the front lawn, or my little boy pushing his plastic lawn mower to be just like his daddy.  I miss my flowers too but it's not so unreasonable that we chose a new life, a different life.  People move all the time.  Some move and move and move.

One word that seemed prevalent in our lives was the word stagnant.  We knew our lives were stuck in a stagnant rut.  We realized a couple of years before making the move that we had done everything we wanted to do in our community and those around us.  Somethings we had done again and again, over and over.  We realized we were no longer experiencing new things.  We realized we were bored of the same things year after year.  We'd come to realize the pictures in our minds of any upcoming event would unfold to be just that, the same.  Nothing new.  All the same things year in and year out.  We knew what the Christmas season would bring, or how the day of the 4th would play out.  We knew how the spring would reveal itself slowly, and in most cases too slowly.  We were on a continuous yearly cycle that had become dull.

I think it took a lot of bravery for us to shake things up in our lives to the extent we did.  To think we could look at the challenge a head and instead of saying, "Our life is good here."  We decided to experience a new life elsewhere.  We imagined a different life.  New jobs, new schools, new doctors, dentists, eye doctors. New surroundings.  New shopping centers and oil change guys.  New everything.  I can tell you that it's been a wonderful decision.  Life is good here and our lives are no longer dull or stuck in a rut.  We explore again, we find new places to have dinner, new venues to sit and watch events unfold.  We take our boat out on the Muskegon River which I never imagined.  We feel apart of a new community and because it's our childhood community, where our roots were established and our old memories reside, we feel an additional sense of home.

Don't be afraid to envision a different life.  Life is too short to get into, "the same old routine"  life is about awakening your senses and seeing new possibilities for adventure and connections.  We'll never replace our memories from our past life, they are much to precious to ever forget but our new daily life has changed us for the better and everyday a new possibility reveals itself.  Life is good, God is good, and I'm thankful.

S.

Appreciation is a lovely thought.....

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  It's a day to appreciate the love in our lives.  Who we give our love to and who we receive it from.  Someone once said love makes the world go round.  Another said love makes the world a better place.  I think I agree with both and I'll add one more of my own, love makes us aspire to be better people.  I want to wish everyone near and far a heart felt happy Valentine's Day.  Don't worry about what you get or what you give, don't worry about the gifts, the cards or the chocolate.  Sure those things are nice to give and receive but don't think so carefree, think deeply about those who have loved you when you needed it most and the precious gift they gave you with their gift of love.

Appreciate the time someone has taken to help you feel safe, loved and not alone.  Those are the feelings of the day that matter most.  Those are the memories and the moments we need to focus on this February 14th.  I want you to take each memory that touches your heart and like a flower, I want you to pick them from the heavens and in your mind arrange those moments into a beautiful bouquet of  love thoughts.  That is a gift to yourself that will warm your heart, make you smile from ear to ear and bring you joy.

Just think, someone will be reflecting back on you as well.  You will become a moment in their beautiful bouquet.  However, that should not stop you from reaching out on this special occasion. There is someone you know who might be feeling alone this Valentine's Day.  Take a moment to make that phone call, or stop by to see that one who comes to mind.

I so appreciate the love I receive from so many wonderful family members and friends.  I especially want to reach my hand out to my husband for his continued love for me.  He is a gem and I am blessed.

Be at ease this Valentine's Eve. Be at peace, enjoy the love that surrounds you in more ways than you can count, for love is all around us. Place it in your hand and pull it towards you.  Wrap your mind in thoughts of love.

I will appreciate the lovely thoughts I have tonight of so many who mean so much and I will say a prayer for their hearts to feel the fulfillment of love. Thank you for reading.  I'm slow to write as of late, but moments like this inspire me to leave a note on my blog.

Good night, sweet dreams and Happy Valentine's Day to one and all.

xoxoxo
I love you my babies who sleep tonight. L & C.  My heart beats stronger, my love stretches wider, and breaths deeper into this life and into my home because of those two babies who will always be babies in this mothers eyes, no matter how old they grow to be.

Let love be your push today, tomorrow and everyday there after to make the world a better place.

S.

Making the move....biter sweet

Life is full of change. I sometimes wonder how it all works, this life. Sometimes it seems to all make sense, like ducks lined up in a row. Life has fallen into order and all seems to be smooth sailing, until it’s not. All moves I believe are grounded with good intentions, a good reason, well thought out and for the best of all involved. No one moves because they’re out to make others miserable. It doesn’t work that way. However, moving seemingly pulls out every emotion in the books. I’m sad, I’m happy, I’m nervous, I’m excited, I’m exhausted. I’m up one minute with nothing but dreams of a happy future only to be followed by moments of trembling fear of what the future holds. I often wonder why life has to be so difficult.

Talking with my daughter who is 16 about surviving the move has brought about some profound statements by both she and me. Her concerns are warranted and I find her insights about the future very thought provoking. One thing I find, I reflect on my past and how I felt at 16. Life for me was troubling and hard. My parents decided to divorce at 15 and the Home life I’d grown to feel safe and content in completely went to crap. My parents split, my mother moved three hours away, my sister withdrew, my dad disappeared. I remember sitting in my house wondering what happened to my life. I explained to my daughter that life in my opinion is a struggle with moments of confetti sprinkled in. I told her if I didn’t look for the beauty in life, I’m not sure I’d say life is all that great. In fact to be honest, I’d say it’s not. I’ve had moments where things that have happened would make me out to be a complete failure. Luckily enough things seem to happen in life that redeem us and lift us up enough to stand and try again.

I’m not sure what I’m saying applies to everyone but it sure applies to me. So while my heart breaks when I see my kids fall to pieces because the adults in their life have decided to move to a new town, and resulting for them, a new school, I try to remind myself that all I’m doing is for the betterment of their lives. The betterment of my life and that of my husbands. This move brings me closer to my mother and dad, my husbands dad and step-mom and my husband’s brother not to mention past friendships rekindled as we move back to our home town.

I hated saying goodbye to my home of 16 years when my parents divorced and soon sold my home. In fact, I told my children, I cried every time I drove by my home for years, upon years, upon years. But my memories are strong. My memories are something no one can take away from me, and for me, my home, no matter how long it has belonged to someone else, will always be my home. I hope they come to realize the same applies to their home. No one can ever take away the memories that were created in this home. While they tell me they grew up in this house, I must remind them, I know, I watched them grow up in this house. It shares many of the same memories for me as it does for them.

My husband and I know we’ll all have tears steaming down our faces as we say goodbye and drive away from our home but we’ll love our home until the day we die, just as I feel about my childhood home. We’ll be back to say hello and I’m sure we’ll sit and stare as the memories flashing through our minds like flash cards, as tears fill our eyes, but we’ll survive. I know we will.

It’s another struggle as we cope with emotions. God willing our new home will saturate us with new memories and new lives and new friendships and a closer family connection. If there is one very bright silver lining, we are not leaving the great state of Michigan. This is our permanent home. Wishing you all a blessed life with few struggles or at the very least, some cake and ice cream to go along with that confetti when things are going great. Love, hugs and prayers.
S.

Tuesday August 11th 2015 Column from the Petoskey News Review Outdoorsman's Wife Comes Around

I'll bet you've heard that marriage changes people for better or worse.  Or at least I think that's how the saying goes? Let me tell you a story.  I'm a very feminine girl.  I love scented candles, bouquets of flowers, accent pillows and the color pink. I love jewelry and nail polish, the smell of potpourri and pretty pictures hanging on the walls in my home and I'll admit I've come full circle with what I'm about to tell you but there was a time when I wondered if I'd make it all the way around.

You see, unbeknownst to me, I married an avid sportsman.  When I met my husband he lived in Atlanta Georgia and I knew he liked to fish but I really wasn't prepared for the outdoor enthusiast I would come to know, both after marriage and after our move to Northern Michigan.  I must admit, it never occurred to me why he wasn't hunting in Atlanta until he explained to me that living in the middle of a metropolis just doesn't lend itself to good hunting.  Go figure?

Once we moved to Petoskey Michigan things rapidly began to change.  For example, if we were running into town to do some light shopping, my husband would take us on a strange, roundabout way through the countryside to get there.  I'd think, "Why did he come this way?"  Only to realize he was looking for those turkeys I'd been hearing about.  To make matters worse, while we were in town he seemed to be hauling me from one sporting goods store to the next.  I found I was spending at least an hour or more a week watching him scan the hunting and fishing isles.  At times I felt like crawling inside one of those pre-assembled tents the sporting goods stores set up for people to explore and wondered if he'd realize I was gone.  I can't deny that I even thought about taking a nap in one of those tents from time to time.

At home he was reviewing state maps for available hunting grounds, reorganizing his hunting gear, cleaning out his tackle boxes and covering the table in colorful fishing lures.  Which by the way, if your husband asks you why you need so many pairs of shoes, ask him why he needs so many fishing lures.  Over the course of time I realized I wasn't even using the calendar on the wall to keep track of the seasons anymore.  Nope, I just needed to know what was, "In season," to know what season we were celebrating and where my husband might be.  I also found myself surprised as I began to anticipate each season with excitement.  I was coming around the circle.  Of course, if I saw my husband walking around with his bow, I knew the leaves would soon start to change color.  When he talked about sighting in his rifle, I knew the snow would be flying soon.  If he was setting his alarm to get up before dawn, he was meeting the guys to go duck hunting.  The pattern was endless and I'll admit, for years I didn't know what season, was when, but eventually I had it mastered.  In this I took a lot of pride.  Of course one time in a moment of hurriedness, I did make a slight fool of myself as I tried to wish my husband good luck before he raced out the door.  "Good luck bear hunting. I mean deer hunting. I mean duck hunting,.. oh whatever, "Good luck!"

None of this really bothered me, I mean, it did and it didn't.  No woman wants a deer with antlers roaming the countryside to be more desirable than she is but in Northern Michigan, it's inevitable and more than likely, it's going to happen.  So when did it bother me you ask?  Well, never really, I was still coming along the circle.  Remember?  However, when he started eyeing my home decor, that's when I started to get nervous.  One day he called me on his way home from as estate auction to let me know he'd picked up some beautifully framed art work.  "Great," I thought.  Until he revealed to me the pictures were of turkeys and ducks.

When our daughter was just 3, we woke to a beautiful snow-covered Christmas morning.  My husband handed a present to our little girl. I asked who it was from?  He winked at me and said, "Santa!" As the wrapping paper fell away and the box was pried open, out came pink camo pjs.  "How cute," I said.  "That Santa is really clever, isn't he honey?"  And so it began.  When our son was born the writing was on the wall.  "This is going to take us to a whole new level," I thought.  His first bib?  You guessed it.  Camo.  When my 8-year-old son asked Santa for a life-sized deer decoy I had to interject that I didn't think that would be possible for Santa to bring on his sleigh.  Of course my husband chimed in, "Oh honey don't be ridiculous, Santa can do that."  Sure enough on Christmas morning there stood a life-sized deer with a big red ribbon around his neck.

"Look dad, it's a 10 point!" My son said of excitement.
"Santa brought that down the chimney?" I said to my husband. "Wow, I'm sorry I missed that!" I said exasperated.

So as you can see, I was definitely being changed.  At times I thought for worse, at times I realized for better but I would be lying if I said being married to a outdoor enthusiast was a bad thing.  After all, there's never a dull season around here.  This kind of lifestyle is certainly full of surprises and very interesting days to say the least.  You'd like a, "for example?"  How about the time I had to help my husband haul those trapped beavers out of the woods.  That was certainly surprising, not something I honestly saw myself ever doing.

Each and every year sitting down at the table for his annual, "Game feast," is always interesting and surprising, for my taste buds that is.  But I did come full circle.  Surprisingly, I completed the cycle, and in the end you won't believe it but I'm happy.  My kids are happy.  Who knew being married to, "Mr. Outdoors!" Would turn out to be for better and not for worse.  Thank you Northern Michigan!  Your lush harvest of gaming lands, fishing pools and sunsets make life worth living.