Surviving with discomfort

 I guess it had to happen eventually didn’t it. Age sneaks up on us doesn’t it. I’m nearly 50 now. I must say, I’m grateful to have lived this long. What a blessing. I often reflect on my life. I’ve had ups and downs, strides and setbacks, happy and sad days have passed by me, but isn’t that true of us all? 

As of late I’ve had to push through the side affects that come on with menopause. I’d read up on menopause in the past, curious about what things I was in store for, what I’d be one day dealing with. To be honest, some of it was scary. I thought, gee, I hope that doesn’t happen to me but unfortunately some of it has. I believe I’ve almost made it from beginning to end at 49. The worst of it has been the heat flashes. I guess all women have a touch of these heat flashes, mine however can be intense and more than one an hour for days with no break. Sometimes I wanna cry over it, sometimes I do. I’ve also been struggling with my memory. I my memory issues could be related to this thing called menopause as well as the fogginess that I experience but this too has become concerning. More than concerning, but irritating and self esteem crushing. In my mind, I tend to evaluate myself negatively. I sometimes feel that my struggles are unrealized, therefore I just come across as an idiot. This is all so tiring and sad. I’m not saying that I can’t push through and survive, I don’t know that I have a choice, therefore I will, I must. 

I know I’ve never wanted to be alone. I’ve tried to keep solitude away. I guess at 49 I understand that we all must face the fact that we come in to this world alone and we leave this world alone so if we struggle with things all alone in our walk from the arrival to the departure, one has to dig down deep to find that strength to make it. I’d be a fool to let you think I move through my days riding on my own strength. I don’t. I rely on my faith to accompany me and walk through my days beside me. I often tell The Lord in my prayers that I can’t do anything without Him by my side. This is my one, consistent support system. How I could go on my own would be a real trial. I don’t plan to try it. 

I often lean on those I’ve lost. I hope when I call on them, they are also by my side. I have rolled the memories of my life around and around always wondering if I’m learning the lessons of life that God wants to teach me. I hope I am. I hope I haven’t been avoiding the lessons because they’re painful. 

I know that since I lost my dog Missy, I’ve often thought about the bridge she created between my dad and me. I know I felt that he couldn’t be too far away as long as I had his Missy. I know when I let her go, I’d called on my dad to let him know she was coming. I know he was there, and excited to be with this little girl again. I told him, I loved her as much as he did. Maybe more. Giving her back to him was so heartbreaking because I knew I’d be handing him back the connector that kept him close. I guess I lost my dad all over again. I remember telling my sister that Missy was gone. She told me days later that our father’s death was recreated for her as it was for me. We both watched our dad pass in Hospice care. We took Missy from his side. She clung close to him those many days as if held to him by velcro. Missy was our tangible link. 

I think with the hormonal unstableness of menopause I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster that has new features, new highs, new lows, new twists and turns, swoops and swishes, curves and drops. 

While I don’t know when these side affects will go away or lesson, I’ll pray everyday, every night, every morning, that The Lord keeps me from feeling lonely. I’ll pray that God walks with me always. 

For those of you going through this same struggle, similar struggle or different struggle but related to the same ailment, I will entrust you to The Lord for his strength. Don’t go it alone. 

Blessings to those who read what I write. 💗