I feel like so many people I know are hurting right now over the loss of a love. I hear so many tragedies every day and they break my heart. Loved ones hurting, friends hurting, strangers hurting, I'm hurting. I don't think I ever realized the day was coming in which friends and parents of friends and people I knew way back in the day would resurface in a way that wasn't joyful. All my life I've been living with those around me, and now I realize, all those I've been living with aren't necessarily continuing on living, they're leaving. It leads me right back to where I go so many times during my days and this is, what is the meaning of life? I've always asked that question, and I never realized that I may have inherited that tendency. I knew my father was always asking that question, I knew I always asked it, but the other day while tucking my ten year old into bed, he said to me so quietly, "Mom, what's the meaning of life, because I don't think I understand it yet?" I thought, wow, is he really asking me this? I told him, he sounded just like me. I didn't answer him, because I don't think I understand yet either but I'm trying to understand as I have been for several years.
So tonight, while thinking of so many hurting, feeling lonesome, sad, in disbelief of the scenario at hand, I thought, I can't do anything, I can't make it better, but I can use my words on paper, I can write. I'm sad too. My dad will have been gone a year very soon now. March 2nd will be here before I know it and I will have come all the way around and it will be a year. Sometimes I can't believe how long it has been since we talked. Since we had one of our long conversations. Other times it seems like only yesterday I was on the phone with him and he was asking for me to please hurry and get to him. The thing is, my sister wanted to get on the road as soon as possible when we realized he was needing to be moved into hospice. My dad and step mom moved to Tennessee to get away from snow, to get away from the weather, and here he is, needing us, and my sister calls me back to tell me there is a terrible winter storm, and she doesn't know if we can beat it. Quickly I turned on my computer and started searching weather radar screens and together over the phone she and I debated. How fast could I get to her to leave? I live three hours away. Could we make it? It broke our hearts to realize we'd be putting our lives in danger to see our dad who was soon to be leaving us. We couldn't risk destroying our families if something horrific happened on the road. Not only was it a snow storm it was predicted to be a Terrible ice storm. We had to wait.
I called my dad and we talked every couple of hours. He was in such terrible pain, he begged for us to come. He kept saying, "You have to get here, you have to come, when are you coming?!?" I cried, I told him, "dad we want to leave and we will as soon as we can." We waited two days, what we saw on the roads was incredible. Trees down everywhere. It looked more like a hurricane had hit but it was the ice storm, it had bent over every tree until it broke it apart and left it lying on the side of the road. Everything was destroyed. We knew we had made the right decision but it was the worst feeling waiting to leave. It snowed the entire time we were with him. Sometimes it snowed an inch an hour, it was so white, so fluffy, so beautiful, so unbelievable too, knowing he moved away just for this reason. How could it be?
Anyway, a year is almost here, and I miss him as much as I did the day I said goodbye. So to everyone I know and don't know who is hurting, this one is for you. For us.
S.
I missed you yesterday and the day before, every time I think of you I miss you more and more.
I can't believe you're gone. Where are you now? I call to you and think, please answer me somehow.
I can't believe I said it, I had to say goodbye, as you faded off, I sat behind and cried.
I missed you yesterday, and the day before, I miss you right this minute, right down to my core.
No comments:
Post a Comment