I'm having a toilet tantrum!

Well here's something, when you're a kid, young adult, even an adult, that you don't really ever think about.  Replacing your toilet.  It's a lovely thought isn't it?  Quite honestly, it never crossed my mind.  EVER!  In fact, when the toilet started running slow, I assumed that one of my kiddo's had used more than the necessary amount of toilet paper and sure enough, road block.  So, I must say, the task of using a plunger is seriously at the top of my list of things I do Not want to do Ever.  On the occasion where one of my kids runs out of the bathroom to tell me, "The toilet won't flush!"  What do I say?  The same thing you say, "Why won't it flush? What did you do?!"  Rolling your eyes, you walk away.  Oh sure, you know what's behind that door.  You know exactly what is waiting for you behind that door, to meet, greet and dispose of but you don't want to go in there right now!  In fact, that's the last thing, last place, last smell you want to encounter so you just walk away.  Maybe it will dissolve you think before I have to resort to the plunger.  Maybe in a few hours, I'll just nonchalantly go in and flush and wha-la, the sweet sound of success.

So you forget.  You work around your house, you all head out the door and once your home again, you see your child running for the bathroom and right then, it all comes rushing back to you.  "Oh shoot!  I forgot about the toilet."  So you stand there silent.  Silence makes you instantly think, "YES!  It went down!  Yippy!"  But it never ends that way.  Do you know, I can't think of one single time that worked.  Nope.  Not one single time!  So, this happened, I plunged, it didn't get better, I plunged again, and ... it still didn't get better.  I find myself yelling to my 8 year old, "Get in here!  What did you put down this toilet?"  Because, he is the youngest, he of course must have done it.  Haha. 

"Tell me, what toy is in there?  What did you put down there?"  His reply... "Nothing."  Of course nothing.  If I were him, I'd say, "Nothing." 

Out comes the phone book, flip to the yellow pages. I don't know what to look under, so I look under toilets.  Funny, there is the, "Toilet" title in the phone book.  Portable toilets.  Yes.  No.  I shake my head, that's not it.  Septic service?  No.   Plumber?  Sure, try plumber I tell myself.  So I get on the phone with this dude, who tells me, "Sure enough, I can come and see what's wrong with your toilet and why it's running slow."  He shows up, looking a smidge un-kept, but this does not bother me one bit, just get the toilet fixed and I'm a happy girl.  He comes in, flushes, looks at the tank, removes the toilet, looks down the scary hole in the floor.  Meanwhile, I'm holding my breath as I assume nothing good smelling can possibly come out of that hole in my floor!  He decides there is nothing to see. "Could be roots?"  He says.  Damn it!  Roots.  I knew I should never have planted those trees.  Why did I go and plant trees in my yard? 
So he decides he must go out and get his camera.  I'm thinking, camera.  Gross.  So he brings in this reel, with long tubing on it and a t.v screen.  I'm thinking, "Oh, this should be entertaining.  Completely disturbing and gross, but entertaining."  He shows me and says, "See this tube, how it has a little camera at the end of it? See it?"  Oh sure, I see it.  I also know with certainty that, that thing has been in an unknown number of people's hole's in their bathroom floors and I'm sick to my stomach.  "Do you wanna watch as I send this camera down through the hole?"  Do I?  I'm thinking.  With a disgusted expression on my face, "No." I say.

"Oh, you should watch, it's cool."  So with my hand over my mouth and nose, I say hesitantly, "OK."  So here I am, standing in the bathtub, watching the T.V. screen as he shoves this thing down the hole in my floor.  He works it this way and that way.  I'm thinking, okay at least now I know what a colonoscopy is going to look and sound like as he manuevers this thing.  We both see nothing, which honestly, I must say, I was relieved.  But do you know, that he never did find anything.  And to my shock, I actually think he and I were totally disappointed as we looked at each other with a blank stare.  "Like what the heck is the problem then?"

He comes to the conclusion that it's the porcelain, the glaze has worn off from old age.  "How old is this toilet?"  He asks.  Do I look like I know?  "I have no idea." I say.  He replies, "My work is done here. Time for a new one."  Great.  I think.  A new one.  This whole day is turning into one endless toilet nightmare.  "Can I haul this one away for you?" He asks.  "Sure."  I say in dismay as out it goes and I am left with nothing but the scary hole in my bathroom floor and germs.  Germs everywhere.

I disinfect the entire bathroom after the plumber leaves and my husband and I decide to go on the toilet bowl hunt.  Now listen, I know what nice toilets look like because I've cleaned for the mega rich and I've checked out their toilets.  The house I worked in most recently had $3000 dollar toilets.  I assume if you take any form of solid disposal into them, it turns to solid gold or it should.  It better.  Ha ha.  One house I cleaned had really cool looking toilets.  I thought they were awesome.  I remember coming home years before and telling my husband that I wanted one of, "Those" toilets.  I googled them, $2500 a piece.  He was in shock!  Believe me, he missed no words when he expressed to me that spending a boat load of money on a toilet was, "Out Of The Question!"  So as we head out to admire toilets on display, I'm thinking, whatever, "He picks," is fine with me. 

Once in the store, there must be about 15 toilets on display.  My husband says, "Really?  Just give me one in white and one in beige to choose from."  He knows I'm picky so this could take awhile.  As I look at style, shape and color, he looks at one thing, and one thing only. $$$ Price.$$$  "Here's one for $75.00 and it looks nice."  Meanwhile, I'm down at the opposite end, "Come down here." I say.  He looks at me like, "I know what's, Way Down There, higher prices."  He doesn't move.  A sales woman walks up and asks if we need help.  My husband picks her brain about water flow, cost, different options.  Meanwhile, I get out my cell phone and call my mother.  He loves it when I do this.  Haha.  She and I start discussing what I'm seeing in front of me and together we decide on the most expensive one.  I like its shape, I like its design, (the tank and base) are all one piece.  I like the color.  I like the flusher.  I like it.  That's it!  That's the one.  My thought of going with whatever one my husband wants is out the window!  Mom and I have decided.  Haha.  So I interrupt the sales lady to say I found it.  The One.  Together we all walk down to look at it.  My husband sees the price and says, "What? No Way!"  The sales woman laughs, then looks at me with a wink and says, "That is one nice looking toilet."  I shake my head in agreement.  Isn't it. Who knew.  This is fun!  "What's so great about it?" my sweet husband asks.  After I inform him, "Mom says she'll pay for it."  He still is not happy with my choice.  He would rather save my mother a boat load of money, (which I must admit, is sweet) and get the cheap one.  However, I soon convince him that we could be here All Day if that's what it's gonna take for me to convince him.  So he reluctantly agrees. 

Loaded and on our way home having spent more than half the day dealing with the toilet.  Once inside, we open the box and.....broken!  It's broken!  Broken.  We can't believe it.  What is the deal with our luck today!  This is crap!  Which sounds fitting.  We call, they say bring it back.  Oh sure, of course, but they have no idea how heavy this porcelain thrown weighs.  The box is huge, awkward, and watching the two of us try to get it back into our car is a bit of a comedy. 

We get the next one.  It's the Big Event! our toilet.  Two managers have come up, the sales woman we worked with earlier, my husband and me.  All eyes looking into the new box.  We all agree it looks in one piece.  Home again.  Installed.  It works!  It flushes!  It's great!!  The kids come home from school and we tell them about the latest and greatest purchase "grandma" made today and my 8 year old runs through the house yelling, "Let me try it!"  Before I know what's happening he screams.  He fell in.  I grab his little arms and pull his little wet tush out of the bowl.  "What happened?"  I say shocked.  "I don't know?"  He says confused.  I know.  I'm not confused.  I never slowed down long enough to look at what kind of toilet we had.  We had a round one.  "They" had a round toilet bowl up at the store.  "They" had the same shape I had but all I saw was this new, beautiful toilet.  Should I have gotten the round one?  Darn it.  "We'll get used to it." I say to my 8 year old.  "Just be careful."  

To this day, I do love the look of the toilet.  It is fancy.  It is a toilet.  I agree. :) I also do have to dust the back of the toilet seat because it catches dust.  After all,  no one sits back there.  Haha. 

So, the point is, be thankful when your toilet is working.  Take your time when purchasing a new one, especially if you have, "little hiney's in the house,"  And remember to appreciate the sound of a working toilet as it flushes with ease because any other sound will make you take a deep breath and say, "Oh crap!"
S.