Dad's & boys

(Preface: This is written from a social worker/mother perspective attained through watching dads and sons interactions.  This is in No way a reflection of my husband. Although he did enjoy my article. Happy reading.)

I am often an outsider looking in.  I am an observer.  I'm also the mother of a boy who's taken my son to various venues where other boys are playing.  Some I know, some I do not but I observe. I mostly observe how dads are interacting with their boy or boys. I'm not critiquing necessarily mind you, I'm simply watching and observing reactions, lessons, irritations, non verbal cues and moments of impatience.

I often say I parent how I was parented.  I think most of us do this and yet we can all take pride in our own personal ways. We've discovered new ways. We've incorporated others ways.  We've picked up on ideas from articles we've read, stories we've heard, or hints provided from someone who's "all knowing." Whatever the case, we've probably become a blended parent. All those facets we've learned were thrown into the mixer and out we came. Gooey and ready to go.

Most of the time however, we've come to our approach through our parents. So let me ask you this, did you like the way your parents parented you? If so, great! You're probably traveling down a nice familiar road.  Some bumps for sure, but nothing to get too upset about.  If not, then do me a favor, sit quietly and analyze yourself. If you find you are a carbon copy of your folks and you didn't like the way you were parented, then you might want to throw the carbon copy away and start new. A new addition, if you will. I know how my parent's parented and I will tell you, I'm much more relaxed then my father but about equally relaxed as my mother. I purposely picked out the best parenting parts from both and blended them to make me. The ideal parent? Eh. I don't know about that but I'm comfortable with who I am and how I parent. I'm not perfect but in my imperfect times, I remind myself,... to take time for perspective.

So lets focus on perspective. Boys are busy bodies. They're exploring, figuring and analyzing things as they play. They're curious which leads to mischievous.  Okay, so they're mischievous. So what! Let them explore. Let them learn. Give them a little more slack in that rope you're holding so tight. Let them romp and roam, let them test and figure. Sure you want to correct your boy all day but you have to open up your eyes and see what he's seeing. Boys love textiles, they love to feel things, they see through the power of touch. Could they simply look at it?  Sure, but what's the fun in that? That's not a boys job, boys want to feel it, understand it, analyze it, figure it.

So they do things. If you are a grown man there is a good chance you've forgotten how you were. You were exactly the same when you were a boy. You may now only think in terms of a well behaved, attentive, quiet man but you were a boy once and you did the same things your son is doing, so give him a break. Allow. Allow him to explore, learn, go off in his own mind, his own world, be slow coming to the table, the car, the backyard, he's thinking. After all, he has a lot to think about.  He's trying to figure out this world we're all living in and it will do him good to do so, because in the future, he will most likely be a father teaching his child how the world works.

If you only find yourself riding your boy, he will only remember you as the dad who rode him. However, if you relax, sit back, give him some growing room, allow him to explore and be distracted, you will raise a healthy boy.  Boys need that flex in their father's eyes. Believe me, they are watching you for cues, they are learning from you. They are taking in all the different things you encounter and how you're reacting to them. These things are not going unnoticed, maybe they're going unpracticed. Sure they are. He's a boy, you're an adult man. He's the boy seeing his future self being acted out by you. How's your acting?    

Now I certainly don't mean you should ignore threats, or dangers, but in most cases, you know when there is a real danger lurking, in those cases by all means, intervene. Or better yet, explain why you must intervene, break up their experiments, their endeavors but otherwise, let them be unique and pure. The unknowing child who is learning all around himself.

Its hard, I know. You're possibly in the habit of correcting.  Try to relax.  Most of the things that he's doing that annoy you, are not life threatening situations. So they annoy you, look away or better yet, laugh about it. Find humor in it. Take a deep breath and allow for his tardiness, his crazy antics, his immature ways, his overactive personality. These days will pass. That I can guarantee. What will last however, is the relationship you made with him while these trials and tribulations were going on.

I try to be an easy going mom. I try to sit back and allow for I know, in the end, the kind of parent I am is the kind of parent they most likely will be.
The loving parent I am, is the loving parent they will be.
The patient parent I am, is the patient parent they will be. etc.
Mostly though, I want them to remember me laughing, smiling, accepting them and all their unique ways.
I want them to remember me being patient with them.  I only get one chance at this.

I'm enjoying watching mine as they turn the pages of life.  I'm watching them grow.  With tutelage and lots of love, they will, undoubtedly, turn into lovely adults.  


S.