As if I can explain men any better than any other woman, I can't. I have no expertise when it comes to understanding the mind of a man. I do however have some ideas and I do think about the subject of a man's mind on occasion. I think as of late, it is simply prompted by the death of my father. I've had moments where memories are triggered, stories are shared, emotions prompted by sight, smell or thought.
When you stop and really think about your dad, your father, you find a lot of information there. Information you can use and analyze in hopes of understanding men better. I learned new things about my father after his death, things I didn't realize or know.
One major thing was a letter I found that he had written to my step-mom after she had passed away. In his letter, he was trying to explain and defend why he had been crying so much over her passing. He wanted to make sure she understood that it wasn't because he was weak, or not a strong man, it was because of how much hurt and sadness he was feeling without her presence. It prompted me to think about how many times I had actually seen my father cry. I realized very few times, if at all. Strange, that I had never thought much of it before. I remember when my grandmother died, his mother, I lost it at one point. It was weird because at 10 I hadn't experienced death or a funeral. I didn't know how to react to my grandma lying there in the casket. I think I was more shocked than anything. I didn't cry for a long time that day, but when it hit, it hit. I'll never forget my dad's moment of seriousness. He told me to, "pull it together." When I thought back to that day, I realized, I don't recall him crying. Now, I know however, he probably shed several tears over the years but in private. Hidden from anyone so never to show his true emotion, and why? He was always so caring with his words, or his unwavering gift to listen. He was so kind. Why couldn't he cry in public?
Over the years, I do remember seeing my grandfather cry over the loss of my grandma. That's my dad's father I'm referring to. He had no problem expressing emotion publicly. I knew he was in heart wrenching anguish over the loss of my grandma. Did it make my heart hurt worse for him, did I feel more sad for him? I did. Was that why my dad showed no tears. Didn't want me to hurt for him or worry about him?
My father was named after his grandfather. A very pronounced military figure. A Major General in the United States Army and Michigan National Guard. In fact, during his service, the Governor of Michigan asked his grandfather to head up the Michigan National Guard with Vigor. His Grandfather started Camp Grayling, and ran it for its first 13 years of existence. Today, Camp Grayling is well known and highly regarded. Was this why he held in his emotion? Because he was the grandson and name sake of a General?
Why do men think they have to be so strong? Because someone said so....that's why? I'll admit, it seems as though the norm would be for men to hide the tears. Maybe that's why when I do see a man crying, I feel their pain much more than if I see a woman crying. Men crying means something horrific, truly unbearable must have happened, because men don't cry, right? Wow. That's a crazy persona they must keep up. How tough is that? I can't imagine holding in my tears, holding my tears back, or even hiding them. If my emotion needs to release itself, I figure, my soul would burst without such a release. Yet men have been dealing with this for centuries. Hiding the tears.
Finding this letter my dad had written to his wife, after her death, his anguish written out in words over losing her, the tears that he was describing that he had been freely letting flow, opened my eyes to a man who felt emotion and the heart wrenching pain a soul in desperation feels, without my knowledge, had me torn up inside. He had experienced and shed many many tears, so many that he felt the need to apologize. I couldn't help feeling lonely for him. I felt sad, that he felt bad, he'd been so emotional. Why feel bad. He is human right? Humans feel emotion, right? I wished that he had reached out but hadn't. Now I knew he needed love and hugs but he'd hid that need from everyone.
Having my own son, I hate to think he would ever feel this need to hide his emotions. Emotion doesn't mean you're weak. It doesn't define you, it opens you up so others can help, show you love you need at a moment of despair or anguish. A woman is fine with seeing a man cry, and we don't look at you as weak.
I've seen my husband cry. He has a very big heart and hates injustice, or someones despair. He is a typical male in that, he tries to, "Fix" everything, make everything all better. That is his typical response as men are problem solvers first and foremost, but he feels others pain. I think he cries way more for others than he has ever cried for himself. He is a very strong person mentally, and physically, he's seen horrific things in his life, he's lost close family members, and yet, even then his tears were for those around him, surrounding him, but he isn't afraid to show emotion. He isn't worried what others will think of him, he allows his soul to speak through tears and express to those around him, exactly how he feels and what a gift. When someone is crying, many times it isn't necessary to ask them why, you know why, their tears explain and express everything. No words could better describe how the person is feeling, or what the person is dealing with, it's all laid out. like a book, on the table for you to read and understand.
I hope through my husbands tears my son is able to accept that tears are acceptable, normal, good for you, good for your health, your soul and especially your mind. If your brain feels that your spirit refuses to release emotion, it must handle the pain internally, and house the pain, house the emotion, resulting in unwanted problems somewhere else in the body.
I never want to hear that a man didn't show his tears out of fear he would look weak. I never want to hear a man held in his tears because he thought others might think badly of him. I never want to hear a man held in his tears because other men in his family never cried. Cry. For heaven's sake....Cry.
I may contemplate men at different times in my life, question things they do or say, but anytime I see a man shed a tear, cry outright, I will be grateful for their willingness to share emotion with the world around them, for through this expression of emotion, doors are opened for younger generations of boys.
S.
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