Reflecting and thinking..... again....

I'm not trying to be depressing, I'm really not, it's just been that kind of day.  You know, the kind of day where you feel hum-drum.  It's gloomy out, it's a Sunday, and for me, Sunday's definitely have a feel. It's a quiet feel.  Some Sundays I feel like a nap is typically on the schedule but I haven't felt tired at all today.  Mostly I've been working around the house lost somewhere inside my head.  Little things pull me out of my head here and there but I've been caught up in memories today.  So much to think about, so much to think about all the time.  The world is one big thought provoking phenomenon. :)

During the holidays one thought came into my mind over and over like someone was hitting a tennis ball at me and I just kept slapping it back.  Here's what it was: Christmas memories are so lovely.  They are soft and fuzzy in your mind and they feel so good and so cozy, until you realize that it's all but gone now.  That was the past and those people, in some cases, are gone as well.  As a child I made wonderful memories.  My brain loves to reflect on the past all during the Christmas season.

The problem is, those memories can make me sad.  They can take me back to a place that is no more. They make me miss the past, they make me miss family that is no longer here and ultimately, I can get depressed.  That's the tennis ball being thrown at me during the holidays.  Then, I tell myself again and again, or rather, my brain tells me again and again that, "That was their time."  They were living in their time, enjoying their time, making memories and living life to the fullest.  While that time was my time too, in a partial kind of way, I was living their time with them and adding to their memories.  Those memories became a part of me, but if I don't stop this reflecting on the past until I'm suffering with depression, I won't be enjoying MY time and that's really all I have isn't it?  My time.  It won't be long and my time will be through, and I shouldn't  be wasting my time missing the past, I should be living in the present and looking forward to the future and thankful for the past!  This is the ball I keep wacking back. :)

Anyway, today has been one of those days.  Living in the past, reminiscing about the old days when life seemed easier. Of course life has never been easy and I know this, and I feel guilty that I know this is not good for me and yet the gloom outside makes it the perfect day to wallow.

My dad was thoughtful enough to make tapes of himself telling stories that I both knew and didn't know.  I have them.  Three cd's.  I played them today and giggled some, missed him a lot and wondered about life like I often do.  I think about age and my age.  I remember when my mom turned 50 years old we had a big party.  50! Wow! That seemed old.  I can't believe I ever thought that,50 was old, seemingly because I'm nearing that number now.  50 seems young.  It's funny because at 75 I've heard my mom say, "Oh 75 is young."  I suppose if I make it to 75 I'll be saying the same thing. I hope I make it to 75.

One final note and I'll conclude this post that seems to be all over the place, one time I talked to my dad about this suggestion or idea.  I used to go up to my dad's office at Ferris and I'd sit across from him at his desk.  He and I would discuss topics that ranged from school to sports, to life in general.  However, one day I said to my dad, "I realize now that you reach an age where you are who you are.  You are not going to change from who you were or are, you're still the kid you were, the high school-er you were, the college kid you were, the young adult you were, the adult you are, it's all you wrapped into one person, YOU.

At some point you just start aging, and that's all that's changing, not you, not who you are, not anything but your body aging.  You start to look older, feel older, walk older.  You have aches and pains, and problems that only happen because you are aging.  The rest of you stays the same.  So when I think of turning 50 in 4 short years I know I'm going to be thinking, my mom was so young, in mind.  I'm young in mind.  It's just a crappy number system that increases as our bodies wrinkle and our hair turns gray.  LOL  Okay, enough blah, blah, blah-ing.  I'll let you go now. Just remember, you'll always be a kid no matter how old your body is. You'll always be young no matter how old you look in the mirror and you'll always be special to many, many who love you.

xoxo
S.