Motherhood

My love for being a mother.

Sometimes I say birthing my two children was the best thing I've ever done in my whole life.
Sometimes I say it's the only great thing I've done in my life. 

While I know that as a human I could certainly have said that many, many times before about
many things.  However, carrying a baby for 40 weeks, knowing every single item that goes into
my mouth, making sure I'm careful with each step, the preparedness, then the absolute bravery
of birthing a baby to have it laying on your tummy when with out any question you know that from that very moment, that very second, life will never be without this human in it.  This human you and your husband made together, this child who will always be on your mind forever, for as long as you are alive.  Whether grown, or a child, a toddler, a baby, a middle schooler a college senior, at any age, at any time, at any given moment this human will have a hold of your heart, and mind, forever.

All of this while overwhelming at first, this tidal wave of knowledge, this swell of overwhelming reality, and yet as mothers we seem take one big breath, and then the first days at the hospital begin and we work at nursing, and we lay in bed trying to rest and recuperate from something we know is extremely dramatic to our beautiful womanly body.  We breath in the calmness of the quiet room, of the sleeping baby, of our own breathing.  We move slow and controlled when the baby cries, and we
take care of ourselves as though we are in and of ourselves a private nurse, a private maid hand, cleaning ourselves and babying our body which is trying to recover.  While family comes and goes, the arrival of my husband who sits quietly looking at me like I'm some sort of angel glowing right in front of him.  We don't need to talk to know what we've got is amazing, what we've made together is beautiful and our love between us, it flows so thickly through the room like a river running from he to me and me to he is stunning. 

Never did I feel so loved by my husband.  Never did a feel a bond like the bond of parents and the unitedness that took place to make this baby, this child, this spirit given flesh. 

As days pass, hundreds and hundreds, and hundreds of days, I'm blessed with another and I know  I'm going through the weave of pathways, and climbing the road blocks, and turning around and trying new ways, and new roads, and I'm learning, or I'm blaming myself, or I'm regretful, or I think I'm the worst mother in the whole world, or I think I'm the best damn mother in the whole world, or I think I love, and love and love, but receive very little love in return, or I think I'm loved beyond over abundance. 

I follow articles, I follow chapters, I follow friends advice and family advice.  I trust myself, I trust my child, my husband, all and every one's view.  I step back and look at it.  I analyze it, I try it, I apply it, I harsh it, I appeal it.  I make things smooth when they are bumpy, I try laughter when there are tears, I encourage energy when nothings seems motivating.  I encourage when it's needed, scold when it's needed.  Remind the children that if they didn't screw up they would never learn, and if I didn't scold or reprimand or teach they still would never learn.  I try, and try, and crawl under the bed covers on days where giving up seems to be the best plan.  A shower may wash away the failed feelings, a morning always makes things seem better and brighter, and a good shoulder can keep me standing. 

And so, the eb and flow of a mother, the constant that I feel love and that I find gratefulness in the happy, the sad, the mad, the tired, the irritated, the sick, the dilemmas the dramas, the things that as a mother I experience daily, weekly, from one hour to the next, one moment to the next, one day to the next, yet i keep my glamour, I keep my wits, I keep my humor and my love alive, I hold on to my youthfulness, my inner beauty, my outer beauty,  my love and passion of things, and people, and places, and events and that of my husband and I remember this is still the best life I could have ever asked for, for it is not boring, it is not bad, it is not sad, it simply is,  and is, and it shall continue on until the day that I don't continue on, and then it shall be a brief break, a set back, then a return back, and a continuation and I shall know today, and tomorrow and into eternity that being a mother was the best thing that I ever did, the best thing I ever was, simply the best.