My word, I have been posting way to much on my blog lately. I guess sometimes it's the place I can release thoughts and therefore I sit and write. Of course in the summer I lag behind on my writing so in reality, it probably all evens out.
I talked to my mother on the phone the other day to talk about the recent death of a friend. She is an amazing sounding board and she makes so much sense. Most of the time when I talk to her I'm not looking for advice or direction, I just want to hear her voice. I suppose since she's my mother, she lends advice naturally.
At her age, in her 70's now, she has experienced an enormous amount of loss herself. She lost her father when she was 27 years old. She has re-lived the emotions around that loss with me ever since I can remember. I hadn't been born yet, I was simply a twinkle in her eye at the time. My sister was however, just a little thing. When I hear my mother speak of her dad, my heart aches for her. She said, "When they wheeled him into the operating room, your dad and I sat in the waiting room. Your dad said, 'if they come right back out, it's bad news, but if he's in there awhile, we'll have hope.'" The doctors emerged moments later. Like a knife through her heart, she knew what they would say before one word was spoken. "He was so full of cancer," she told me. "They just sewed him right back up." Whenever she tells me that, she tears up, even all these years later.
I always think my mother must have some special connection to the Lord in that, when her father died, she was with him alone. Setting with him, praying over him, letting him know how much he was loved. My grandmother refused to leave his side and hadn't for days and days, the one time my uncle convinced her to walk down to the cafeteria and get a coffee, that's when he passed.
When my father's mother passed, my mother was with her alone. Just the two of them. My grandmother reached for my mother's hand and asked her to pray with her. My mother did and she passed away. My mother again was alone. I think of her as an angel on earth, passing the human spirit from this dimension to the angel on the next.
My mother lost her mother, watched her go from outgoing, exuberant, out spoken, comedian, to a mother who could hardly speak due to a stroke. She would share with me the frustrations my grandmother went through not being able to say a single word.
She said goodbye to so many relatives and friends, at her age it's inevitable, unstoppable from happening. The heart ache, the depression, the survival of it all. So as I talked with her, I broke down in tears. I told her, "I don't think I'm very good at this. At handling death, and loss and losing someone I care about or love. I don't think I can handle thinking of others loss. What can I do?"
In her soft, gentle, mom voice, she said to me, "It's never easy but as you age, it gets easier. There is something that becomes almost comforting about thoughts of the after life as you age. We're all on our way to the same place. It comes closer as we age. Life is unpredictable and that is why every day is something to be grateful for. A tragedy is worse. It is such a shock to lose a loved one in a car accident, or a fire, or something of that realm. Disease at least allows for us to say our goodbyes, and talk to our loved ones and tell them all we want to say before we leave."
I told her I can't imagine losing her. She said, "I would have a much harder time if I lost you. That is not the natural order in life. I am to go before you, your grandparents were to go before me. It is a part of life and you have to accept it and think about things that you have been told in your faith. There is more to come. This is not the end."
I cried. I said, "It is so sad." She said, "Even though it is sad, every day you find you heal more and more. You never get over it, but you must move forward because life moves on and it does it with or without you, so you have to walk on, you have to look at all that you have around you that is worth living for, usually there are others, children, who you are living for, who need you here, who love you and need your love here. It is those who remain who will lift you up. Life can not come to an end for you because it ended for someone else. Give yourself time to grieve, give yourself the blessing of time to heal, cry when you need to cry, talk when you need to talk, pray when you need to pray, but don't give up on life."
I remember when my grandmother died, my mother's mother. I thought to myself that day, I wonder if I'll ever see my mother laugh again? That day, as someone said something funny that my grandma had done or said, we all laughed, even my mother. I remember crying privately later, so relieved that she could laugh, I thanked God that I was able to see her smile and laugh. Like a rainbow after dark skies and a hard rain, there it was. The color come back into her cheeks, the happiness, still embedded within her, within all of us, had returned.
Brighter days are always going to peek in among our gloomy dark days and we can be relieved knowing that.
Anyway, again today I found myself feeling down from loss, and once again I heard myself say, "Death sucks!" In the end, that is the truth, death sucks but I will pour that yummy hot cup of coffee, I'll look at that picture of the one I love who was here and is now floating with me in spirit and I will remember, there are many who need me to smile, and laugh, and keep moving forward. I agree, after 11 months and 13 days, I am better than I was the days following losing my dad. I am better. Time does help to heal and for that I am grateful.
S.
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